In out past blog we shared how much more difficult is is for families to become blended when moving from a traditional family to what has become termed a blended family. I use the word tradional for clarity when discussing first time marriages to later marriages where children are involved. This is not meant to demean those seeking or in a blended family but only serves as a means to distiquish the two in these blogs. We have also previously stated that premarital counseling may be even more important to those considering forming a blended family than the traditional as there are more complexities involded with the addition of children and family members. So you may ask "What are some of these added compexities?". First we have to be honest and realize that this new family has arisen out of loss and comes with grief, anger, and often abandoment issues. While mom or dad may believe they are moving past these emotions and feelings, children find it harder to "move on". While we know that smaller children initially do well, the long term prognosis is not so sunny. Research indicates that as these children gown into their teen years they often become problomatic. It is also known that most mental health issues arise in teens at around the age of fourteen adding additional issues which affect the bonding power of the marriage. Even small children may develope issues as it has been discovered they sometimes believe that the original divorce was their fault and internalize this belief. It also presents a problem for the child concerning which parent do they now trust and believe? This is even a bigger issue when they observe their birth parents arguing or quarreling in their presence. They may also find themselves living in two different worlds, one with the blended family and step brothers and sisters, and another with their biological or if both have remarried two completely different family with differing rules and even belief systems. While the courts over the years have adopted the practice of splitting time between parenst there are many who now question the wisdom of this as these children are developing mental health issues as they grown due to the instability found in their lives between two families.
Another problem comes with the realization that blending is a slow process. While the parents may find themselves blending together we now know that it takes time for a family to blend. Someone has stated that blending a family requires a crockpot approach and not a microwave. It has also been said that an average of seven years is required to get things "cooking' . So, yes, developing a "blended family" is far more complex than the traditional one you may have left, and premarital counseling will help you to avoid a second failure and even more heartache. I highly recommend it, not only for you, but your children will benefit from it, and dont they deserve the best after all they have been through? God Bless, Jeff